Becoming a working mama…

And just like that, I am a working mama. WHERE has the last year gone?

Also, where the F did my blog go? After years of writing, I let things slide whilst I learnt how to be a mum…and somehow it’s disappeared into the depths of the Internet. Never to be seen again. I’ve no bloody clue how to get it back. So here I am starting from scratch. A whole new blog, for a whole new life. Life as a working mama.

How do I just suddenly start writing again after a whole year out? I think the last post I wrote, detailed just how Difficult (yes, with a capital D) being a mum actually is. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but my GOD, I didn’t know just how hard it could be!

Ermmm…but why?

Well, I have been blessed with the most gorgeous, cute, funny little boy. I love him. More than I thought I even knew how to love. But boyyyyy is he a handful! Can I leave the room for even a second without him wailing? No. Can I put a plate of food in front of him and guarantee he will gobble it all down? No. Did he show any sign of wanting to sleep in those early days? No.

He has been intense from the start. He fought naps, he cried when we went out, he refused to entertain weaning, he’s never taken a bottle, he cried if I put him down. It has been A YEAR!

Rant over, it has started to get a tad easier. I say “a tad” because, does it ever actually get easier? I don’t think so…just “different”.

But why did I stop writing?

My entire brain has been consumed with “baby” for the last 12 months. I honestly, did not expect it to be that way. I was convinced that he would fit into our lives, and we would carry on with things as they always were, to a degree. Nope. He changed everything.

He changed me. More than I knew possible. He is all that really matters.

His routine rules the roost, because going out and about with a tired, grumpy baby is about, ermmmm zero fun for everyone involved. So, we live our days in 3 hour chunks, pre nap, between naps, and pre bedtime. That’s our life right now, we’ve settled into doing things around him being happy and settled. It’s not forever, but we all know where we stand, so that’s how it is right now.

Oh, and he is tiring. After a few hours entertaining him, I would just flop on the sofa in a zombie like daze, until it was time to get him up from his nap.

As much as this blog has always been my outlet to do something for me, to be creative…I just didn’t have the brain space for anything. For a whole year?! I’m sure if I was reading this pre-baby, I would think that this person is absolutely BONKERS. How can you be nothing but “baby” for a whole 12 months? I know!

I thought that was it

For a long time, I just couldn’t get my head around going back to work. I didn’t understand how Teddy would cope without me, when it had just been me and him for a whole year. I’m still breastfeeding. What the actual hell…I did not expect to still be breastfeeding at nearly 13 months! But, he has always refused a bottle, so what could I do?! I hadn’t left his side for more than a few hours at a time, and I just couldn’t understand how work would fit into our lives again.

But, it had to. We’ve got a mortgage to pay, so work just had to happen. And it did. I think my actual return to work could be a whole blog post in itself to be honest…how we both coped, how the feeding worked out…but for now, the short story is, of course it worked, because we had no option otherwise.

And actually, it’s fine

I didn’t want to be apart from him. I wanted to stay at home, for the good days and the difficult days. I didn’t crave adult conversation (as far as I realised then), or the luxury of going to the toilet on my own. But, it turns out that actually, it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. Having a bit of time apart is a good thing. And the cliche that I always turned my nose up at, is true…I’m a better mum for having a little bit of time apart.

So now what?

It might sound mad that now is the time I start to write my blog again. Do I need more to fit into our already busy lives? But something about getting back into a working brain space, has given me a craving to write again. Somehow, I’ve found time for it again.

But I’ve also found my imposter syndrome creeping back in. Part of the reason why I let my blog, my YouTube and my Instagram slide, was because of the niggling voice in my head that whispers “who cares?”

Why on earth would anyone want to read my ramblings? What should I be writing about?

One of the things that really bored me about my blog was forever thinking about “what to people want to learn from me?” “What should I be writing about for someone else’s benefit?” “What will make someone want to visit my blog?”

In techy speak…this is SEO. Working out what people are searching the internet for, and trying to meet that need, whilst not writing about the same topic that millions of others have already. I know, that one sentence has probably bored you enough, right?

Now, for a successful blog, this is important. But actually do you know what, I don’t really care.

I started this blog because I wanted to write. Not because I thought I could be somebody on the Internet. I have a lovely little community on Instagram, and YouTube, and if those lovely human beings want to read my ramblings, then YAY! Thanks! But if I’m just writing this blog to satisfy my own brain, then that’s fine too.

So there you have it. Far too many words to basically tell you one thing. The blog is back, and the blog is my diary, that I have chosen to share with the world as I start to navigate life as a working mama.

You won’t find flashy photography, keyword stuffed paragraphs and sales pitches here. You will find me though. Words spilled out from the corners of my brain, in a way that helps me to feel a little bit less “busy brained”.

If you want to stick around, then I’d love to have you…and if there is anything I can write that genuinely will help you, I’m on it…just let me know. But otherwise, I’ll just be here tapping away, adding my mindless thoughts to an already overcrowded world. LOLOLOL.

Over and out, A x

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